


Forever There is Only the Tunnel (Even if we reach the end there will be no light)

by ToLiveorSurvive



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Other, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29279136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToLiveorSurvive/pseuds/ToLiveorSurvive
Summary: Jasper was done with it all. Everything on Earth had caused him pain. As he stares at the gun in his hand he remembers his life on the ground and what led him to this point.
Relationships: Jasper Jordan/Maya Vie, Octavia Blake/Jasper Jordan
Comments: 8
Kudos: 6





	Forever There is Only the Tunnel (Even if we reach the end there will be no light)

**Author's Note:**

> Jasper was one of my favorite characters. I understand the writers hadn't planned to keep him past episode one so they had to write him out somehow but I am still angry. While Jasper was an asshole I still blame the other characters for one thing, THEY COULD HAVE TAKEN HIS ALCOHOL AWAY. Seriously, even in the season 3 premiere he was drunk. Plus, Octavia and Jasper were like my favorite ship and once Lincoln died I hoped they would get together and help each other. But no. We just get like one scene with Jasper and Octavia after Lincoln dies. 
> 
> News flash: This is my first fic and the writing may not be perfect. Also the fic is in 3rd person in Jasper's point of view but there may be a couple of times where it sounds like me arguing. I have been working on this since November and I hope you like it.
> 
> Also there are a few quotes from the show and of course I don't own anything from the show.

Jasper looked at the letter one last time.

_Monty,_   
_I know you’re an optimist. You think better days are ahead, but that’s not true. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There’s only the tunnel, another enemy to fight, another war. I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re the problem, human beings, all of us. The cycle can’t be broken as long as we’re here. That’s why I won’t be here. We have done everything to make sure we survive. But we keep on killing, ruining everyone else’s lives so we can live. We do all of this to each other and everything around us even though we all want the same thing. So, when you find me with a bullet in my mouth you will why there is._   
_Jasper_

Jasper then walked over and made sure the tarp was good. He didn’t want them to have to clean his blood off the floor. Once he made sure the tarp was in place, he grabbed Maya’s music player and played a random song in the headphones. Then he folded his letter, wrote Monty’s name on it and propped it up on the table next to his goggles. Jasper put out Maya’s favorite painting, walked back over to the tarp, and sat down. He glanced at the gun beside him and grabbed it, sadly staring at the weapon in his hand. He then pointed the gun to his chin.

Jasper was done with all this. It started when he got speared. One day on the ground and he had almost died. He was passed out for most of it, but he remembered being dragged off and saved only to be put up as bait. It took him three days to recover and almost immediately after two people were already dead. Then Octavia had gone missing. Jasper of course had to go after her. He already saved her once and would do it again. So, he went, only for three more people to be killed. Considering what had gotten him and Monty arrested on the Ark he never considered himself an innocent kid, but the ground had broken him.

Mt. Weather was the only place where he found peace. At least, for a while. There were no problems. He didn’t have to worry about trying to stay alive. And there was Maya. But of course, Mt. Weather was too good to be true. It was hard, but Jasper was willing to kill if it meant that his friends were in danger. But when Clarke pulled the lever, it was too much for Jasper. It wasn’t just because of Maya. It was because they had killed everyone, even the ones who were innocent, even though the people in Mt. Weather were just trying to do what the Ark also wanted to do: to go back to the ground. They were no different. The Ark had sent one-hundred kids to die on the ground. Mt. Weather tried to drain those kids of their blood. But Mt. Weather was more civilized than the Ark and the ground and now that Mt. Weather was gone, they would have to go back to the way it was before: fighting to survive, sacrificing lives, hoping one day it would all be worth it.

Jasper wasn’t saying he didn’t love Maya, he did. Even though he only knew her for a couple of weeks. When Jasper first tried to get with Octavia, he was insecure, afraid, he thought he wasn’t good enough. Like he said to Monty, “A girl like that would never talk to us”. Sure, after he saved her on the first day on the ground, he felt a bit confident, but then he got speared and he was back to square one. They had kissed once but then Octavia had Lincoln, the Grounder warrior. After that, he knew he didn’t have a shot, but he still kept on hoping. Once he met Maya, he was happy. Maya was a light shine, especially when they found the truth about Mt. Weather. And even though their relationship was short lived, Jasper still missed it.

The next few months just sent Jasper into a downward spiral. Jasper was aware he had PTSD. Almost everyone had it. But not everyone is strong enough to handle it. He blamed Bellamy, Clarke and Monty because he didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t know how he could get over Maya, and everything else and just go on with his life and get everything back to normal, if there even was a normal at this point. And the fact that no one else seemed to be broken from everything that happened made him think that he could never get better. Jasper knew that they didn’t have much of a choice at Mt. Weather but in the back of his mind he still believed things could have been different.

Jasper heard what had happened to Finn while he was in Mt. Weather. So, Jasper guessed he wasn’t the only person who broke. But Finn was mainly just angry over Clarke and was trying to find her. Leading him to kill a bunch of Grounders for no real reason. Jasper was mad at Clarke because of Maya but that wasn’t the whole story. Everything else that happened just crashed down on him after Maya died.

They were able to make amends with the Grounders, but it took Finn’s life for that to happen. In a way, Clarke did to Jasper what she did to Raven. Except, according to Abby anyway, Finn’s death affected Clarke as much as it did Raven.

Jasper understood why they pulled the lever. They had reasons but a reason was not an excuse. Just because a murderer had a motive it didn’t mean they were set free. Just because they were trying to save themselves does not mean they were innocent. None of them were innocent.

Jasper blamed Clarke mainly because she couldn’t even face what she did for all that time. When Clarke apologized, he was surprised but he was still angry. All that time she spent by herself and she still believed that was the only way. He wanted her to say that they had another choice. That he could have done something to save Maya, to save everyone. That killing all those people was something he could have prevented. Jasper survived getting speared, he killed people, he led the delinquents in Mt. Weather. Although he probably wouldn’t have stopped the bloodshed by killing Cage, Jasper had faith in himself. And to see that Bellamy, Clarke, and Monty didn’t, hurt him. To see what they were capable of doing, also hurt him.

Jasper didn’t blame Bellamy as much because well, Bellamy was a follower. After what happened with Pike, Jasper was now sure of it. Bellamy was stubborn when it came to believing. If he thought something would help him and his friends Bellamy would gladly go along with it until he came to his senses. The main reason Bellamy joined Pike was because after his girlfriend, Gina, died from the Grounder assassin, he thought killing the Grounder army would protect his friends. Same with Mt. Weather. Bellamy joined Clarke and pulled the lever because he thought it would save his friends. It was just like Raven said when she was taken over by ALIE, “the good little knight by his queen’s side”. Bellamy just followed orders because he thought they were coming from a good leader. But there were times when Bellamy was the leader. Bellamy could make people into pawns and occasionally become a pawn himself. Bellamy told Jasper not to let his anger rule him. Well, Bellamy was no better than Jasper. While Jasper knew he was an asshole to everyone. Bellamy killed people out of anger and so did Finn.

Why Jasper blamed Monty was pretty clear. Monty was his best friend and he too had killed all those people. When Jasper went back to the dropship, he took Finn’s ashes because while Finn had killed all those Grounders, he was still Jasper’s friend and at least he was working towards peace before he died. Plus, he may or may not have been drunk. He remembered what Monty said, “For months, I have watched you torture yourself, and everyone around you, mostly me! But I am done being your punching bag! Either you pull yourself together and get on with your life or you fall apart alone.” Well, maybe instead of defending what he did, Monty could have tried to help Jasper get on with his life. Jasper saw that plenty of people cared about him, but nobody cared for him. It was like as soon as they were done with Mt. Weather everyone saw him as a lost cause. That he wasn’t worth saving. Even Abby didn’t seem to care that much. Going back to Mt. Weather didn’t help anything, it just reminded him of what he had and lost and what would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Jasper wanted to take the chip. He wanted to be happy. He wanted to remember all the good times he had, holding Maya’s hand, making alcohol and getting high with Monty, walking in the woods with Octavia on that first day on the ground. He wanted to remember that and to be numb of everything else. He had tried drinking, getting high, but that only worked for a while. He wanted to feel free and be that naïve kid he was when he first stepped on the ground. But, once again, it was all too good to be true. And they had to fight someone else once again. Even though it wasn’t her talking, Raven’s words still echoed in his mind, “Let’s protect Jasper. Jasper’s so sensitive. Everyone cater to his feelings. We’ve all lost someone. You don’t see us falling apart. You don’t see us getting wasted. Being useless. Being a selfish loser was your only move. That’s all we see when we look at you. A coward. A waste of breath. Why do you even bother living? Your weak. Pathetic. You can’t save me. You can’t even save yourself. You couldn’t save what’s-her-name.” He knew he was selfish. He knew he hadn’t been through anything worse than the others had. He knew he was weak. That’s what everyone else saw. Three months and he still hadn’t gotten over it.

When Octavia lost Lincoln, he told her it was okay to fall apart a little. She responded, “A warrior doesn’t mourn the dead until the war is over”. But how long do you mourn? Another war had come, and Jasper hadn’t stopped. Octavia had gone through the same thing he had gone through and she was starting to pick herself up.

Once they found Luna, Jasper saw it. Actual peace. People who were happy. People who had what he had been longing for. Then ALIE came. More people dead. Yet another safe haven they had fucked up with their problems. His friends, him, they bring destruction, war wherever they go. Luna’s rig, Mt. Weather, the ground, while not all of those places were perfect, they at least had peace before they came. So, Jasper took the chip. The chip may have taken away more than just pain, but he was fine with that. Because it gave him what he wanted, to be happy.

When Jasper took the chip, he was aware of what he was doing but he couldn’t control it. But most of what he was saying was the truth. What happened in Mt. Weather had changed him but blaming everyone else wouldn’t make it any better. Luna’s rig was the only time he could forget what happened. And now it was gone. ALIE was the only alternative for Jasper. The ground wasn’t survivable. Several people had died to get them to where they are now and those who are alive are basically hanging by a thread. Although taking the chip took people’s memories, The City of Light was a place where Jasper could live a happy and practically normal life. Destroying ALIE took all that away from him. Monty told Jasper that they will be happy again. Well, Jasper just was happy. How much more pain would he have to go through to feel that again?

“You ok?”, Raven had said.

“Are you?”, Jasper asked. “You’ve been through more than anyone.” More than he had ever been.

“There’s nothing like a little pain to remind you you’re alive”, she responded.

Yeah. But being reminded what he had to live through was painful. At least for him.

It was never going to end. There was always going to be another problem. There were always going to be more people to lose. Did they think that if they made it to the end, they could honestly say it was all worth it? They probably could. Because it would have been them who made it, them who had survived. Screw everyone else, as long as they were able to enjoy their lives they were in the right. Humanity had already destroyed the Earth, now the species had no one else to target but itself.

A knock on the door brought Jasper back to reality.

“Jasper”, he heard Monty’s voice say.

Jasper sighed. “One second”, he said. _I’ll do it later_ , he thought to himself. He couldn’t do it now. Not while Monty was here. Jasper got up, put the letter flat on the table, and opened the door.

“What were you doing?”, Monty asked.

“Uh, no-nothing. Sleeping”, Jasper stuttered out.

“Raven needs us in Engineering. Let’s go”, Monty said.

Jasper gazed back at the room and sucked in a breath. Then he followed Monty out and closed the door behind him.

“After the second Fukushima disaster, Panacea Power patented a failsafe system with multiple redundancies”, Raven said once they got to Engineering. “By 2048, two dozen mega reactors were built to withstand any disaster. Even a nuclear attack.”

“But that’s good, right?”, Harper asked.

“There’s always a catch”, Jasper said.

“The plants were built to be self-sustaining for a hundred years”, Raven answered.

“So, the warrantee just ran out”, Monty clarified. He walked over to the dial next to Raven. “This is us”, he said pointing to it.

“Yes”, Raven confirmed. “It’s been yellow since we landed. Yellow we can handle-our bodies adapted in space-but it’s rising when it should be falling, and when it hits red-”

“We’re dead”, Jasper finished. “Uh, how long?”

“At the current rate of increase, six months, but it’ll be bad way before that”, Raven said.

“Can we stop it?”

“No”

Jasper turned around, a smile forming on his face, and started laughing. Everyone turned their face towards him.

“Oh…Oh, man”, Jasper said. He pulled the gun he had earlier out of his pocket and put it on the table next to him. “I’m gonna watch the sunrise.”

Jasper’s life was full of pain. But now he didn’t have to kill himself. He had six months. And with that time, he was going to make what was left of his life worth living. Instead of trying to survive, he would actually live. With that in mind, Jasper walked out and went to watch the morning sun.

**Author's Note:**

> As all those people on Fanfiction.net say, criticism is appreciated but please no hate.
> 
> And I will now sign off with my new motto thing:
> 
> To live or survive,  
> I'm just trying to stay alive


End file.
